Happy Birthday to Me

April 30, 2022

I've been thinking a lot about the notion of birthdays, given that today is mine (and Heather's <3).  We grow up celebrating the persons day of birth, their life, their aging.  I wonder why that is though.  We as the birthee have done nothing remarkable by simply being born on a random day.  The remarkability lies solely on the shoulders of a mother.


Today for my birthday, I would like to celebrate the life that was my mother's, my grandmother's, and her mother before her.  Every mother that ever existed in my lineage, so that I may have been born beside my best friend early in the morning on the last day in April, in the late 90s, to a pair of parents that I certainly did not deserve.


A mother uses her body to carry, grow, nurture, deliver, and carry their children some more.  They nurture them more post birth.  Every positive attribute I have today is because of my mother.  Every stubborn one too.  I recognize now, sadly even more since she's been gone, the genuine amount of love and care she carries in her heart for everyone, but especially for her kids.


We were lucky beyond our comprehension.  We are quite unworthy of our mothers as children and teens - quite frankly the worst-behaved years of one's life.  I didn't appreciate her enough.  I didn't recognize her selflessness enough.  I didn't show her my love enough.  I was not enough of all of my good things that were her good things, until she was gone and I needed so desperately to try to keep her here.


It's not the same though, nothing is.  This is my 2nd birthday without mom here, and it's just another day.  Which is why, I think, it's a rather good idea to maybe use it in a way to celebrate mom, rather than celebrate my getting older.  That is just a reminder for me of the time passing without mom.  Every day is, if I'm honest, I don't need special occasions for that.


So today, on my 22nd and 2nd birthday, I would like to wish a happy birth day to my sweet momma.  Thank you for bringing Heather and I into this world together.  Thank you for always taking care of me.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for being my mom.  Thank you for still being my mom.  


You were once the vessel that provided me with oxygen, warmth, nutrients, and love.  A vessel that allowed me to grow.  Now you are the trees that provide us with oxygen; the sun that provides us warmth; the flowers that pollinate our lives; and the earth that keeps us afloat.


I miss you terribly.  I wish you could be here physically today, and ever day for the last however many days that I refuse to count or acknowledge.  Time seems to just fly by without you, which is cruel.  I love you greatly, sometimes I think the depth of it may make me combust.  It is a price I'm willing to pay though, for you're my mom, and I know you would surely sacrifice the same.


You are my star all through the year.

I love you, 

Sarah <3

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Losing Mom: A Journey Through Grief (Part 10)

 July 14, 2021 - 11 Months July 8, 2021 I don't like when the mail says your name.  It feels like you should still be here.  Like you are still here.  It's something that, in my min, the world should know.  Companies shouldn't send you birthday letters.  The mail shouldn't even say your name on it anymore.  The world should honor the fact that you've passed, and also honor my heart in that they've recognized that fact. Don't get me wrong, I will accept every opportunity to talk about mom.  But there are some things that are little triggers to me.  July is her birth month.  August is her death month.  They're so close together...  And now we are already in July, which means August is practically tomorrow, which means I will basically be writing another one of these before I know it for the 1 year anniversary of your death.  1 whole f***ing year.  I don't know how to emotionally handle any of it. July 11, 2021 Last nigh...
Read more

"We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve": A Personal Response

Image
Whether or not you have read or seen The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, I'm sure you have heard his popular quote "we accept the love we think we deserve."  If you haven't, then consider this my shameless plug - I would personally grab the book, but both are great works of art. This book, in short, follows Charlie throughout his freshman year of high school as he deals with loneliness and a childhood trauma his subconscious can no longer suppress.  Charlie, the narrator of Perks , also says "I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."  I believe most people can relate, to some degree, to both of these quotes.  Whether your sadness is based off an exhausting day or a death, or your happiness is based off someone paying for your groceries or marrying the love of your life, we have all known a few happy/sad days. And it is not restricted to physical ailments or experiences.  As human ...
Read more

Griefaries: Five

 May 17, 2022 (Tuesday) This entire week of my life so far (which has literally just been Monday and Tuesday, but damn it feels so much longer already), has been consumed with thoughts of guilt. Sunday night, my sleep was held off by the thought that I could have saved my mom. I don’t know if you’ve ever lost your mom, or anyone you love dearly, and if you’ve had similar thoughts, but they’re pretty brutal. The thing is, as I’m sure most of you all know, my mom died unexpectedly. She didn’t feel good the day before, and was gone by 6 the next morning.  But the other thing is, we had noticed her swollen ankles. A few weeks or months before she passed, because what is time, we noticed that her ankles were swollen for some reason. When we brought it to her attention, she said “thanks, now I’m going to worry about them.” In that sarcastic tone that only a woman plagued by a bunch of medical things can have. It wasn’t until her death certificates arrived that we learned her heart f...
Read more