Losing Mom: A Journey Through Grief (Part 13)

February 14, 2022 - One and a Half Years


How has it been so long since you died? I’m sure in no time it will be the 5 year anniversary, and in the blink of an eye the 10 year will be upon us, and I’ll really be asking that question in disbelief. But we’re not there yet, we’re only to 1 1/2 years, and that’s still incredibly difficult to grasp. You were JUST here, I swear. I could’ve last hugged you yesterday, but somehow it’s been far far longer than that. And tomorrow it’ll be another day longer. I’m not quite sure how to deal with the concept of time surrounding your death. Or in general, but especially this. 

Some days I think I’m actually doing pretty okay. Other days, both anniversary days and mundane days, I am not. I have found in my grief journey that too very juxtaposing things can exist simultaneously. I didn’t always used to believe that, but experience has proven it true. I am both happy and sad. I feel both peace and anger. I am neither healed nor shattered. I don’t think I could ever be just one or the other, either, considering the other thing will never leave. 


I think I will always be a complicated person now. I think life will always feel like a lot more than it used to. I think I will always have a file in my mind that overflows with simple human things I wish I could tell my momma every day. I think my mind will also always crush me with vivid traumatic memories, and bless me with cherished ones too.


My soul is at peace knowing that yours is - that you’ve started your eternal life again with your beautiful parents and hilarious sister. But my heart is broken with the fact that our physical life together has ended, and no amount of peace could ever heal that. 


I love you momma. I miss you tremendously. You are my star ❤️⭐️



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