Mother's Day 2021: The First One Without My Mother

 May 9, 2021 - Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day.  I wish you were here to smother with love and hugs and annoying-voiced "the Miss!"es that I miss oh so much.  I think days that are made to celebrate you will be the hardest.  Yesterday, Heather and I went to the hardware store to buy some hanging baskets.  I'm sure you were upset with us the entire time because they were quite pricey.  You wouldn't have even stopped there, I'm sure.  I imagine you saying that there are cheaper options elsewhere, like our go-to greenhouse on the corner of 68th and Warner.  We even bought the geraniums for grandpa's grave already.  I hate having to do all of this stuff without you, and without Aunt Diane, and grandma too.  I miss what life was with you...

If I were able to on the day of your funeral, I would have said how lovely you were.  How selfless.  I would have stood at that podium and preached to everyone who came that there is not, nor ever will be, another woman like you.  I remember you saying how you naturally became a light sleeper after having children.  We would wake up in the morning and you would ask us all if we heard the storm during the night, to which we'd all say "what storm?"  You would lock us in this house in perfect protection, religiously slamming the door three times before committing to locking it.  It's an absolutely unnecessary task to do, I've locked the door after one soft close, but it's something that I correlate to your love for us.

We didn't get everything we wanted, but we did have everything we needed.  Most especially of all, your love.  And it was never fading.  It still hasn't left me, I can tell.  Sometimes I think I'm looking into your eyes when I stare at the lone rabbit that eats our grass every night.  Sometimes I think I could turn around and you'd be standing there.  I wish I wish I wish you were.

I missed so much time with you - with having to go back and forth from home to dad's house, to you getting cancer and spending far too much time in hospitals, to everything in between - until suddenly I was a moody teen who was easily annoyed with simple requests.  I remember one time when you came home from grandma's and you said how you just wanted to talk to me.  You didn't see me on the couch from the kitchen, but I was visibly irritated.  Regardless, I peeled myself off the couch and sat at the dining room table to spend time with you.  I hate to say it, but I don't even remember what we talked about.  I feel guilty for how much I miss you in death when I acted like I barely missed you in life.  I work so hard to encourage myself that I wasn't the worst daughter ever, but on days like today when I can't show you my unwavering love and admiration for you in person, and will never be able to again, it's so heavy...

Regardless of all of this, you still loved me.  You still loved all 3 of us, though we were far from simple children.  You deserved simple, in your life and love and children.  You deserved to have your father for a much longer time than you did, just like I deserved you for much longer too.

I miss you so much, Momma.  So so much.  I can't believe it's almost been 9 months already, that's absolutely asinine to me.  I wish you would just come back already...  Jeremy, Heather and I all stood and stared at yours and Aunt Diane's stones in silence yesterday.  This is our life now - visiting some of our favorite people's graves - decorating them with flowers we should be able to put into your hands.  Buying grieving cards for Mother's Day in Heaven.  Your very first one.  As sad as I am to be on Earth without you today, I hope you're being celebrated in Heaven.  Your dad barely got to see you be a mother, but I know he's proud of all you've done for us.  I hope he gives you the biggest, warmest hug from me.  I love you infinitely, even when I didn't act like it.  I know you love me infinitely too, even when I didn't deserve it.  I look for you in every beautiful spring blossom, Mumsie.  But nothing will ever shine like you.

Sarah