Losing Mom: A Journey Through Grief (Part 7)

April 14, 2021 (8 Months)

April 4, 2021  (Easter Sunday)

Happy Easter, Momma.  It's just another thing on the long list of things that keep coming up so quickly, and yet it also feels like you've been gone for a very long time.  A painfully long time.  I kept closing my eyes last night and forcing my brain to show me your face.  I tried to make it remember every word of our last face-to-face conversation, but it betrayed me.  I feel so lost sometimes, so unsure of things without you here.  But mostly, I'm just unsure of why you're not here...

I can't believe that it's been so long since I've seen you.  Not just you, but you alive.  Your face.  Your eyes sparkling and your mouth talking.  That pink shirt on that last day I saw you, wiping off groceries that you just went to the store and bought.  You didn't look like someone that was going to die...

I don't understand how you died.  I don't mean HOW you died, but how YOU died, you know?  Like I really just don't get it...  I've had almost 8 months to process it, and I really don't feel like I have at all.  I still sometimes think I can come home and tell you about my day.  That I can confide in you about something.  That I can just give you a damn hug.  It makes me so angry that I can't...  I just want my mother's hugs, why is that impossible to ask for?  Why can't I have it?  Why were you taken from me?  Who can I yell at?  Who can I blame?  She didn't deserve this.  Jeremy and Heather didn't deserve this.  Dare I say that I didn't either...

I hate all of these firsts.  I'll hate the seconds even more, and the thirds more than that.  I'm afraid that life without you is just dark and angry, and I don't want it to be, but I don't know how to be happy and sad.  Sometimes one comes easier than the other, and sometimes they live harmoniously together... But today sadness has overcome.

I just miss you, that's all.  And I love you, way more than I ever said, but I think that's because words couldn't ever express it fully.  I hope that my tears turn into raindrops in heaven, that fall upon your angel wings and only help them to grow.  I hope you feel my wet cheeks and my heavy heart and know without a doubt that that is only a reflection of my unwavering love for you.  We will always be connected, you and I... <3

April 7, 2021  (Just a random Wednesday)

I stopped by the cemetery after work today.  We chose to lay you to rest right beside your sister, Aunt Diane, who only passed 9 months before you.  "She didn't want to be alone." Heather had said the day we had to choose a grave.  I knew you didn't, I heard you the day you said it too.  Thank God the plot was still available.  I'm sure it was his doing, just as it was his timing to take you both home...

I couldn't help but feel guilty when I stopped in the perfect spot to read your stone (for the millionth time) out of my passenger window.  It struck me suddenly that I haven't spent nearly as much time reading Aunt Diane's stone.  And then I realized how little I have actually grieved her passing, especially since you passed.

I doubt she's holding a grudge with me about it, in fact I'm sure she completely understands.  Aunt Diane was (and still very much is) one of my favorite people.  She went on every summer vacation with us.  She was beyond hysterical.  She knew everybody and their mothers, and their mother's fathers too (really).  She took forreevveerrr to eat (and I say that with all my love lol).  I can still hear her repeatedly scraping the bottom of a frosty cup.  I can still see her smile.  I don't understand how it's been 1 1/2 years without her here...

I think it also feels even more unbelievable because a second tragedy so closely followed.  And no offense to Aunt Diane at all, but it was even more emotionally catastrophic... The two of you both lost uncle's before, and then you lost your dad.  As sad as I'm sure you were, and as much as I'm certain you grieved your uncle's loss, nothing compares to losing a parent.  You were both understanding of that.  You have both been through exactly what I am going through.  I wish you were here so I could ask you how you managed it all, because some days I just don't know...  Am I doing it right?  Am I sad enough?  Am I too sad?  Did I clean out your things too fast?  Am I moving on without you?  Do I want to?  The unanswered questions ramble on in my head all too often.  

Mostly, though, I just hope you know how much I love and miss you too, Aunt Diane.  Sweet Aunt Diane, who accompanied mom to every sporting event we ever had, near or far.  Went to our college graduation with mom.  Couldn't drive straight in reverse for a million dollars (lol).  Always seemed to be right next to mom, which meant she was right next to me...  I just hope you know that it feels like I'm missing two limbs, not just one.  The hole in my heart that was created when you passed was only made larger when mom went home to you and grandpa...

I'm sad you're all gone...  I used to sit at grandma's house and imagine what it would be like if grandpa were sitting there with us all; what he would say, how he would look in his 90s (still handsome, of course), the sort of relationship we would have had...  And now I have to imagine my future with both of you too, because you're not here physically anymore.  You're not together at grandma's or the cabin.  My personal little cheering section has gone silent...  Good thing I've graduated from all things sports, because I really couldn't bear those gym walls without your faces.

I miss you both terribly.  I love you both eternally.  I bet you're both on either side of me right now just holding me tight...  I wish I could feel it.

April 13, 2021  (The Day Before 8 Months)

I smell you in the most random of places  -  when I open the dryer, when I just jumped in the shower after a long day of work.  Very random places.  Places I would not correlate with you usually, but as I'm typing this out, I realize it sort of makes sense.  They are (or were, I suppose) both warm and dry places.  Having not been used recently, there weren't any aromas of laundry detergent or body wash.  I just smelled you.  And every time I have, it was simply for an instant.  Long enough for me to comprehend the scent, and then it's gone...  I can't smell it any more after that.

I always try to smell it some more after the fact, as if you were just standing right next to me and I could smell you all I like, but you're just as gone as your scent is...  Most days, anyway.  Other days, like today, I smell you, and I know you're closer by than the average days, which are not average at all because I like to imagine you're right beside me all the time.

There's something both so welcoming and so heart-breaking about smelling your scent.  For instance, I couldn't even describe it, which I guess I would categorize under both.  I don't want other people to go "oh, I love that smell!", but I also couldn't actively go out and try to search for it in a store.  I just have to wait and wait and wait some more until suddenly you appear.  Right in front of me, under my nose.  It seems like that's where you'd land on me height-wise.  I smile now thinking of how I used to squat down to give you a hug.  I miss you, da Miss.  Remember how we used to use that strange language with each other?  Where did that even come from?  Why did it have to go?

I miss you entirely.  I miss everything about you.  I miss that beautiful smile of yours.  I want to hear your voice again.  I want to call you "da Miss".  I want you to say "danke" and I say "bonjour" because I could never remember that "you're welcome" in German was "bitte", but once I finally remembered it, it became our thing and I couldn't change it.  Life isn't the same without you, Momma.  It never will be, no matter how many times people tell me that you're nearby, I will always argue that it's not the same.

I love you long time.  I love you forever.  You're my Miss forever and always, and I'm so sad that so much of that time simply lives in my heart now.  I was looking for you in the stars earlier in the month, but all I found was a dipper.  You're light shines up there though with all of the angels, I'm certain of your magic.

-Sarah girl