Losing Mom: A Journey Through Grief (Part 4)

October 14, 2020 - Two Months

 "Was she afraid?"

That question has weighed heavy on my heart for the last two months, and I could never bring myself to speak it to anyone, so instead I thought I would write it for all of you.  It is a question that will continue to haunt me, because I simply will never know the answer to it, but is one that will hopefully lighten the more I acknowledge it's there.

Part of me thinks that she was, or at the very least was uncomfortable, and when you're uncomfortable for unknown reasons, that can definitely spark fear.  Mom had called multiple people that fateful night two months ago, myself included, and I can't help but think that I could have eased her fear a little by simply answering the phone.  I have to remind myself that there is no way I could have known she was calling - my sound was off and I was asleep - but that fact does nothing to lessen my guilt.

I do know that I couldn't have saved her, even the professionals couldn't do that, but it was one of her last moments on earth, and she used that moment to reach out to people, one of them me, and I missed that last chance...  I still can't bring myself to listen to that voicemail, or any previous voicemail she left me.  Her voice will be soothing to me someday, but all it does now is break my heart.

She should be here.  She was only 52 after all.  She had so much more life to live.  She had her son's future wedding to attend (though we all know how she felt about weddings, ha).  She had grandchildren to meet.  Places to see, people to meet.  She still had children to raise, because let's face it, we were blessed with the best mother in the world who made sure nothing inconvenienced us, and now we're running around like headless chickens.

I miss you terribly, mom.  They say that time heals, but with every passing day I just miss you more.  As I'm sitting here typing this and crying, I couldn't help but say to myself "this is so stupid."  Not the blog posts or expressing my feelings, but just the fact that I have to feel this way at all...  

And I still can't believe it, no matter how many times I visit your grave.  I hate to admit it, but it feels like I'm looking at someone's I never met before.  Because every day, at least once, I think of something, or hear something, or see something that I think you would like to know, and I almost text it to you before I realize that I can't.  There would be no one, or someone other than you on the other end of that line, and they would inform me that I had the wrong number, and it would take all of my power to say "oh, I'm sorry" rather than "no, I'm afraid that you do."

I bet it pains you to hear me say this, but I don't think I will ever get over losing you.  I told a friend recently that this will be the hardest thing I ever experience in my life.  And I know that I haven't experienced much of life, and maybe something in the future will be harder and more traumatic, but I genuinely doubt it.

I used to think about how difficult it would be to lose Grandma Otterbein.  She is 93 years old, after all, and her passing would only leave me with one grandparent, my Grandma Morris.  Now I really can't imagine it.  Someday, three of the most important women in my life will be together again, and I will be without them on earth.  I can't even fathom that, so I simply won't.  I am trying to live more presently though.  It's just sucks that it took the tragedy of losing my mother to do such a thing.  I would go back in time and change everything if the outcome would still be the same.

I'm really sad today, so I think I'll end here.  But I do want to say one thing quickly, and I hope that it connects with all of you:  be intentional with your time and those you choose to spend it with.  Tell those you love that you love them.  Hug them if you like hugs.  And make sure you feel the love from those around you as well, otherwise I suggest finding new people who will shower you in it.  Life is short even if you live to be 100, and it's completely unpredictable, so choose love my friends.  And if you haven't felt any recently, I hope this helps you feel something.

Peace and love to you all on this Wednesday.

And to my Momma - I love you infinitely.