If I'm Being Honest
I have some spare time today between jobs, so I thought I would whip out a little post today. Really, it isn't spare time at all, it was time used to finally sit down and eat lunch, and should currently be used for doing my homework, but instead I'm here on my blog.
And if I'm being honest, it's just because I'm tired.
I mean that literally and figuratively. I genuinely am tired, I stayed up far too late last night for a woman who knew she had to work both jobs again today, for the second day in a row. I stayed up too late but wasn't utilizing that time doing anything productive, I was just bingeing a good show with my sister. But I'm also tired figuratively, or emotionally if you will. My jobs tire me out. My responsibilities (paired with my slight inability to manage time) and procrastinating tire me out. A summer course, that should probably take a solid semester but is instead being taught in 2 months, is already tiring me out.
There has also been some personal stuff to deal with - both sad and happy - that are eerily very similar to past experiences. That's another thing that's been tiring; seeing how maturely I've been reacting this time around. Drowning myself in worrisome thoughts like: "well of course this would happen to my family," and "we all saw such a thing coming," as if happiness and peace is something society has been taught they can't grant themselves in hard situations.
But I'm here to tell me, and in turn all of you, that often times the most rewarding times to smile and laugh with loved ones is when it's potentially the last thing that anyone thought they would (or could) do.
I've been in my feelings for a few days, really a solid few months at this point probably. Over-analyzing life, people, concepts and ideas, and experiences that I haven't even experienced yet but my mind convinces me I probably will, all things considered. I have been dwelling on the past, and bombarding myself with unanswerable questions that most certainly can only be answered after death, and by then I won't even have the capacity or care to know anymore.
I'm tired of customers feeling overly entitled to an object they haven't even purchased yet. I'm tired of them demanding our service without respect or kindness or basic human decency. I'm tired of them thinking they deserve more of something than someone else who paid the exact same price for it.
I'm tired of believing I'm undesirable or unworthy, just because something didn't work out with someone else. Of thinking that maybe I'll just live through this life alone, I've been pretty good at it thus far. I'm tired of thinking that no one can hurt me if I don't let them near me, in turn breaking my own heart.
I'm tired, if I'm being honest. I'm tired of everything I have already discussed, and then some.
But mostly, I'm just tired of being tired, and I'm still figuring out ways to fully wake myself back up.
And if I'm being honest, it's just because I'm tired.
I mean that literally and figuratively. I genuinely am tired, I stayed up far too late last night for a woman who knew she had to work both jobs again today, for the second day in a row. I stayed up too late but wasn't utilizing that time doing anything productive, I was just bingeing a good show with my sister. But I'm also tired figuratively, or emotionally if you will. My jobs tire me out. My responsibilities (paired with my slight inability to manage time) and procrastinating tire me out. A summer course, that should probably take a solid semester but is instead being taught in 2 months, is already tiring me out.
There has also been some personal stuff to deal with - both sad and happy - that are eerily very similar to past experiences. That's another thing that's been tiring; seeing how maturely I've been reacting this time around. Drowning myself in worrisome thoughts like: "well of course this would happen to my family," and "we all saw such a thing coming," as if happiness and peace is something society has been taught they can't grant themselves in hard situations.
But I'm here to tell me, and in turn all of you, that often times the most rewarding times to smile and laugh with loved ones is when it's potentially the last thing that anyone thought they would (or could) do.
I've been in my feelings for a few days, really a solid few months at this point probably. Over-analyzing life, people, concepts and ideas, and experiences that I haven't even experienced yet but my mind convinces me I probably will, all things considered. I have been dwelling on the past, and bombarding myself with unanswerable questions that most certainly can only be answered after death, and by then I won't even have the capacity or care to know anymore.
I'm tired of customers feeling overly entitled to an object they haven't even purchased yet. I'm tired of them demanding our service without respect or kindness or basic human decency. I'm tired of them thinking they deserve more of something than someone else who paid the exact same price for it.
I'm tired of believing I'm undesirable or unworthy, just because something didn't work out with someone else. Of thinking that maybe I'll just live through this life alone, I've been pretty good at it thus far. I'm tired of thinking that no one can hurt me if I don't let them near me, in turn breaking my own heart.
I'm tired, if I'm being honest. I'm tired of everything I have already discussed, and then some.
But mostly, I'm just tired of being tired, and I'm still figuring out ways to fully wake myself back up.
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