An Overactive Mind: Regrets Collect
I am an over-thinker. That's a given for me, an honest fact. I say that with as much certainty as I say "I have brown eyes" or "yesterday was Tuesday". I also have a short temper, and these two things mixed together have made for some explosive experiences thus far in life. Read on as I delve into some of my experiences. Hopefully they offer some help or comfort in yours.
I have had a relatively strained relationship with my dad, basically since birth, because my parents divorced when I was 2 and my mom had primary custody. We went over for dinner once a week, and spent every other weekend at his house, as well as splitting holidays. I'm 20 now, so that was a good 14 or 15 years of my life.
You've probably noticed that math doesn't add up, and I'm well aware. 3 or 4 years ago I personally decided to stop visiting my dad's house. If you don't know, at a certain age children of divorced parents can make decisions for themselves. Neither of my parents fought me on it, but looking back on that time, and considering every moment I have since missed with him, I wish they had.
I still see my dad and have a relationship with him, but I wish I had a better one. I wish I had never left.
You see, the thing about giving a voice to teenagers is that sometimes they use it incorrectly. I'm not saying my decision was wrong, or the reasons behind it were false; no one can tell me how to feel. All I'm saying is, I wish it was as easy for people to look into the future and assess how a present decision may affect it, similar to how humans always look back in their pasts and realize a previous decision got them where they are.
As a 20 year old now, only seeing my dad a handful of times a month, having missed most father-daughter time together throughout my life already, I wish to go back. The irony of that is, at the time when I left, I didn't think I would miss it. I had placed a lot of blame on my dad, and my mom for that matter, but mostly my dad, for the way my life was - for their separation. It didn't help that the two of them blamed each other as well. But as I was growing up and maturing, I wish I had viewed it for what it was, or is, or could be I suppose - a blessing. My step-mom had three children, who have children, whose lives I have missed out on.
And if I'm being honest, it's because I wanted a big family, but not like that. I wanted a perfect one. I wanted my dad to be in our house, reading us stories at night, feeding us in the morning, trick-or-treating with us... But I don't believe perfection exists in anyone, so why have I held my own family to a higher standard?
The fact is, I let go of what I had for nothing in return. There wasn't another family waiting for me next door, another man to take the place of my father (not that I wanted that anyway). My step-mom is not my mother, but that doesn't mean she cannot be and was not a motherly figure to me. I had 3 more siblings, I had nieces and nephews. I had more people to love.
At the time, maybe my decision was the right one. But now, I regret making it. And it's a sad reality knowing I can't get that time back. However, I am aware that I can make the most of whatever I have left now. So I might as well work toward bettering my relationship, especially with my dad, if not with everybody. Now just to figure out how...
Another regret I would like to discuss is realizing you were a toxic person to someone. I can think of one person in particular who I must have been a nightmare to. We grew up together, were great friends. Survived similar life experiences.
I'm not going to go into extreme details, because such a story is not just mine to tell, but I know I was not an angel for this person. That knowledge depresses me, because for the longest time I thought my actions proved my love for this person. Looking back, however, I can see how I had caused a distance to grow between us. How trust had started to strain, and our mutual likeness of each other became one-sided. Rightfully so.
Look, you may think some of the cute and honest things you say to someone cannot be harmful, but in some cases they are. If someone has moved on, or does not want to discuss something from the past, that doesn't mean everybody has to respect that wish except for you.
A question I have recently asked myself is: "is there a deadline for apologizing for the toxic you you realize you used to be, or is that just digging up skeletons without permission?" and I still haven't really found an answer for that. I can say that, for the most part, digging up what you consider to be your own skeletons can actually include parts of someone else's. Even if you mean well by doing so, that does not mean the other person will view it with the same lens.
So instead, I'm left with one hope for this person, and if it happens that you (or anyone else I may have been toxic to): I wish you all the happiness in life. And I hope and pray that someone loves and appreciates you the way I didn't know how all those years ago.
The fact of life is no one's is the same. Two people can be standing right next to each other, experience or witness the same trauma together, and view it in opposite lights. Grow from it differently. If you have regrets, have been a toxic person, have experienced divorce, have learned/loved/lost/repeat, then you have lived.
Life is not always sunshine and rainbows, but it will also seldom be if you do not work towards that for yourself. The best apology is changed behavior, or so they say. So change for yourself. Apologize when you need to. Work toward being respectful and kind. And always, always remember that no one has forever. Love one another. There's only so many tomorrow's you'll be given, so start today.
-Sarah
I have had a relatively strained relationship with my dad, basically since birth, because my parents divorced when I was 2 and my mom had primary custody. We went over for dinner once a week, and spent every other weekend at his house, as well as splitting holidays. I'm 20 now, so that was a good 14 or 15 years of my life.
You've probably noticed that math doesn't add up, and I'm well aware. 3 or 4 years ago I personally decided to stop visiting my dad's house. If you don't know, at a certain age children of divorced parents can make decisions for themselves. Neither of my parents fought me on it, but looking back on that time, and considering every moment I have since missed with him, I wish they had.
I still see my dad and have a relationship with him, but I wish I had a better one. I wish I had never left.
You see, the thing about giving a voice to teenagers is that sometimes they use it incorrectly. I'm not saying my decision was wrong, or the reasons behind it were false; no one can tell me how to feel. All I'm saying is, I wish it was as easy for people to look into the future and assess how a present decision may affect it, similar to how humans always look back in their pasts and realize a previous decision got them where they are.
As a 20 year old now, only seeing my dad a handful of times a month, having missed most father-daughter time together throughout my life already, I wish to go back. The irony of that is, at the time when I left, I didn't think I would miss it. I had placed a lot of blame on my dad, and my mom for that matter, but mostly my dad, for the way my life was - for their separation. It didn't help that the two of them blamed each other as well. But as I was growing up and maturing, I wish I had viewed it for what it was, or is, or could be I suppose - a blessing. My step-mom had three children, who have children, whose lives I have missed out on.
And if I'm being honest, it's because I wanted a big family, but not like that. I wanted a perfect one. I wanted my dad to be in our house, reading us stories at night, feeding us in the morning, trick-or-treating with us... But I don't believe perfection exists in anyone, so why have I held my own family to a higher standard?
The fact is, I let go of what I had for nothing in return. There wasn't another family waiting for me next door, another man to take the place of my father (not that I wanted that anyway). My step-mom is not my mother, but that doesn't mean she cannot be and was not a motherly figure to me. I had 3 more siblings, I had nieces and nephews. I had more people to love.
At the time, maybe my decision was the right one. But now, I regret making it. And it's a sad reality knowing I can't get that time back. However, I am aware that I can make the most of whatever I have left now. So I might as well work toward bettering my relationship, especially with my dad, if not with everybody. Now just to figure out how...
Another regret I would like to discuss is realizing you were a toxic person to someone. I can think of one person in particular who I must have been a nightmare to. We grew up together, were great friends. Survived similar life experiences.
I'm not going to go into extreme details, because such a story is not just mine to tell, but I know I was not an angel for this person. That knowledge depresses me, because for the longest time I thought my actions proved my love for this person. Looking back, however, I can see how I had caused a distance to grow between us. How trust had started to strain, and our mutual likeness of each other became one-sided. Rightfully so.
Look, you may think some of the cute and honest things you say to someone cannot be harmful, but in some cases they are. If someone has moved on, or does not want to discuss something from the past, that doesn't mean everybody has to respect that wish except for you.
A question I have recently asked myself is: "is there a deadline for apologizing for the toxic you you realize you used to be, or is that just digging up skeletons without permission?" and I still haven't really found an answer for that. I can say that, for the most part, digging up what you consider to be your own skeletons can actually include parts of someone else's. Even if you mean well by doing so, that does not mean the other person will view it with the same lens.
So instead, I'm left with one hope for this person, and if it happens that you (or anyone else I may have been toxic to): I wish you all the happiness in life. And I hope and pray that someone loves and appreciates you the way I didn't know how all those years ago.
The fact of life is no one's is the same. Two people can be standing right next to each other, experience or witness the same trauma together, and view it in opposite lights. Grow from it differently. If you have regrets, have been a toxic person, have experienced divorce, have learned/loved/lost/repeat, then you have lived.
Life is not always sunshine and rainbows, but it will also seldom be if you do not work towards that for yourself. The best apology is changed behavior, or so they say. So change for yourself. Apologize when you need to. Work toward being respectful and kind. And always, always remember that no one has forever. Love one another. There's only so many tomorrow's you'll be given, so start today.
-Sarah
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