"We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve": A Personal Response
Whether or not you have read or seen The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, I'm sure you have heard his popular quote "we accept the love we think we deserve." If you haven't, then consider this my shameless plug - I would personally grab the book, but both are great works of art.
This book, in short, follows Charlie throughout his freshman year of high school as he deals with loneliness and a childhood trauma his subconscious can no longer suppress. Charlie, the narrator of Perks, also says "I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." I believe most people can relate, to some degree, to both of these quotes. Whether your sadness is based off an exhausting day or a death, or your happiness is based off someone paying for your groceries or marrying the love of your life, we have all known a few happy/sad days.
And it is not restricted to physical ailments or experiences. As human beings, we are not immune to simply feeling happy or sad for absolutely no reason other than that we just do. That is not uncommon, it does not make us broken, in fact it is quite the opposite. What really does affect everyday life is when a particular unprovoked emotion, especially sadness, lingers for months on end. Feeling down about our lives or ourselves can not only be problematic, but also it has a negative domino effect on life.
When I was a teenager, I developed a somewhat negative perspective of twins. I am one, and we're pretty identical if I do say so myself, which is where I think part of this perspective stems from. You have to understand, growing up with divorced parents meant my mother (our primary caregiver) did everything in her power to make her life easier, understandably so. All throughout elementary school, kindergarten to 5th grade, my sister and I were in the same classroom. So getting to middle school was quite a shock; I wasn't doing everything with my sister anymore. Though we did always participate in the same sports, have similar interests, and even share our first car for 4 years. This is nothing negative toward my mother or my sister - I understand some sacrifices had to be made to keep us all alive and make everyone's lives easier - but something I still struggle with is feeling like an individual.
I regularly felt compared to my siblings - like I wasn't "good enough" or "successful" because one of them had accomplished something first, or done something better. No one had ever told me that, it was just something I started assuming people thought about me. But something important I learned over the years is that nobody goes out of their way picking apart somebody else's life. You will never meet someone wondering if you were the first Smith child to get a 3.5 GPA, or compare your athletic accomplishments to those of your siblings. Most people do not contemplate all the possible outcomes of your life the way that you do. So, to quote Charlie, "I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be", and quite frankly still am in some aspects of my life. For example, I have spent years working on ways to be an individual without seeming ungrateful for my twin life.
Such acts can be exhausting; we begin to over-think every situation we find ourselves in. I can recall how often I used to think to myself "I'm sure my sister could do this much better.." and that sort of thinking is just degrading. It's no secret that some people can do things others cannot, we're not all built the same way, but trying is no simple feat. Instead of comparing, I've started asking "in what capacity am I able to accomplish this?" I'll be sure to update you all on what I'm sure will be a positive change of mind.
So why did I rope The Perks of Being a Wallflower into this post? Well because, I'm trying to prove that we do, in fact, whether on purpose or not, all "accept the love we think we deserve," whether that be via self-love or love from others. If we are actively comparing ourselves to other people, we are never completely content with who we are as individuals, which makes it rather difficult to undoubtedly love ourselves. If we are working toward an idealized life of a celebrity, we are not working toward making our own life the best it can be. You see, comparison is the worst virus we could infect ourselves with. We cannot live happily while simultaneously degrading ourselves with thoughts like: "I wish I was as thin as her", "he's way out of my league", "I won't ever own my own business", etc. Similarly, we cannot live happily while mingling with overly toxic people. Anybody that tears you down, compares you to them/others, does not support you, etc. is the negative version of yourself in another person's body.
We need to stop believing in the societal norm that love from other people is somehow more important than providing it for ourselves. It's important to have standards for such things; if you are so used to verbally abusing yourself, you almost expect nothing less from a partner, but that's unacceptable. I have always preached that we are the only company we are ever guaranteed in life, and if you are unhappy with your company, actively work to change it. We should not be treating ourselves worse than we treat others. Furthermore, we should not accept people treating us with less respect than we deserve.
I do truly believe that as a society "we accept the love we think we deserve," but I don't think we should continue in that act. Whether we are at our highest of highs or lowest of lows, everybody is worthy of happiness, respect, and love. I can only hope that we begin to offer it to ourselves as much as we do to others.
**If you would like to leave a comment, mine are still not enabled yet (working on it). Please feel free to email me at sarahsinscriptions@gmail.com. Thank you!**
This book, in short, follows Charlie throughout his freshman year of high school as he deals with loneliness and a childhood trauma his subconscious can no longer suppress. Charlie, the narrator of Perks, also says "I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." I believe most people can relate, to some degree, to both of these quotes. Whether your sadness is based off an exhausting day or a death, or your happiness is based off someone paying for your groceries or marrying the love of your life, we have all known a few happy/sad days.
And it is not restricted to physical ailments or experiences. As human beings, we are not immune to simply feeling happy or sad for absolutely no reason other than that we just do. That is not uncommon, it does not make us broken, in fact it is quite the opposite. What really does affect everyday life is when a particular unprovoked emotion, especially sadness, lingers for months on end. Feeling down about our lives or ourselves can not only be problematic, but also it has a negative domino effect on life.
When I was a teenager, I developed a somewhat negative perspective of twins. I am one, and we're pretty identical if I do say so myself, which is where I think part of this perspective stems from. You have to understand, growing up with divorced parents meant my mother (our primary caregiver) did everything in her power to make her life easier, understandably so. All throughout elementary school, kindergarten to 5th grade, my sister and I were in the same classroom. So getting to middle school was quite a shock; I wasn't doing everything with my sister anymore. Though we did always participate in the same sports, have similar interests, and even share our first car for 4 years. This is nothing negative toward my mother or my sister - I understand some sacrifices had to be made to keep us all alive and make everyone's lives easier - but something I still struggle with is feeling like an individual.
I regularly felt compared to my siblings - like I wasn't "good enough" or "successful" because one of them had accomplished something first, or done something better. No one had ever told me that, it was just something I started assuming people thought about me. But something important I learned over the years is that nobody goes out of their way picking apart somebody else's life. You will never meet someone wondering if you were the first Smith child to get a 3.5 GPA, or compare your athletic accomplishments to those of your siblings. Most people do not contemplate all the possible outcomes of your life the way that you do. So, to quote Charlie, "I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be", and quite frankly still am in some aspects of my life. For example, I have spent years working on ways to be an individual without seeming ungrateful for my twin life.Such acts can be exhausting; we begin to over-think every situation we find ourselves in. I can recall how often I used to think to myself "I'm sure my sister could do this much better.." and that sort of thinking is just degrading. It's no secret that some people can do things others cannot, we're not all built the same way, but trying is no simple feat. Instead of comparing, I've started asking "in what capacity am I able to accomplish this?" I'll be sure to update you all on what I'm sure will be a positive change of mind.
So why did I rope The Perks of Being a Wallflower into this post? Well because, I'm trying to prove that we do, in fact, whether on purpose or not, all "accept the love we think we deserve," whether that be via self-love or love from others. If we are actively comparing ourselves to other people, we are never completely content with who we are as individuals, which makes it rather difficult to undoubtedly love ourselves. If we are working toward an idealized life of a celebrity, we are not working toward making our own life the best it can be. You see, comparison is the worst virus we could infect ourselves with. We cannot live happily while simultaneously degrading ourselves with thoughts like: "I wish I was as thin as her", "he's way out of my league", "I won't ever own my own business", etc. Similarly, we cannot live happily while mingling with overly toxic people. Anybody that tears you down, compares you to them/others, does not support you, etc. is the negative version of yourself in another person's body.
We need to stop believing in the societal norm that love from other people is somehow more important than providing it for ourselves. It's important to have standards for such things; if you are so used to verbally abusing yourself, you almost expect nothing less from a partner, but that's unacceptable. I have always preached that we are the only company we are ever guaranteed in life, and if you are unhappy with your company, actively work to change it. We should not be treating ourselves worse than we treat others. Furthermore, we should not accept people treating us with less respect than we deserve.
I do truly believe that as a society "we accept the love we think we deserve," but I don't think we should continue in that act. Whether we are at our highest of highs or lowest of lows, everybody is worthy of happiness, respect, and love. I can only hope that we begin to offer it to ourselves as much as we do to others.
**If you would like to leave a comment, mine are still not enabled yet (working on it). Please feel free to email me at sarahsinscriptions@gmail.com. Thank you!**
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