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Griefaries: Ten

I've been considering the concept of death anniversaries lately.  This time of year generally reminds me the most of Mom, just because the holidays were really nothing without her (something I've only come to learn since being forced to live without her). Technically, Mom hasn't been gone for five years yet. We're only (somehow actually *already*) at four and some change years missing her. But none of this is true, thanks to the fickleness of time or perhaps the way we've all been taught to count it. We are already living through our fifth year without her.  The fifth year started the day after her death anniversary - August 15, 2024- was the fifth August 15 that passed by without Mom. This Thanksgiving was already our fifth one without her. Christmas will be our fifth one without her. We will begrudgingly enter the technical fifth year without her.  The fifth New Year celebration where Mom has missed the ball drop.  Where we don't ring in the next chapter toget...
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Losing Mom: A Journey Through Grief (Part 16)

T oday marks 3 years since you died.     T his day comes faster and faster with every year that passes.   I   suppose part of me is grateful that I don’t sit glumly in the darkness that this day represents.    I  suppose it also means I’m just another moment closer to seeing you again. However, the other part of me hates that this day comes so quietly after all this time.   I  have been incredibly aware of this impending date since your birthday, then since the first of the month, and with writing dates that were necessary at work.   B ut feelings surrounding this day have been very quiet.   A nd the realization of that makes me quite sad.  I can’t help but feel some semblance of guilt about such a thing.   I t strikes me as non-caring, non-loving, as if I  have completely made it out of the vice grips of this grief.     I  absolutely haven’t, but the longer I have spent in here, the...
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Griefaries: Nine

This morning, as I rolled out of bed, I intentionally hit the right hand on my Build-A-Bear.  I genuinely wanted to hear my mom's voice, for reasons that I can't even explain, but sometimes explanations offer no real solace anyway. The entire message played straight through - a silly voicemail about tiny gnats surrounding my car.  Mom found this incredibly peculiar I guess, because she thought it warranted a phone call.  Lord only knows where I was or what I was doing that day that left me not answering, ultimately sending her to voicemail.  Sometimes it is difficult for me to accept that I have any voicemails from her at all, because that just implies that I was too busy to speak to her.  My own mother!  I could laugh at loud with how ridiculous a sentence that is.  Now truly, some people are genuinely busy and unable to answer phone calls, but still.  However, I'm also glad that I have something concrete to hang onto.  If I had picked up th...
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Griefaries: Eight

January 29, 2023  I was in the shower, rinsing myself off underneath the nearly too-warm water, when I suddenly got a writing idea.  This has not happened to me in quite some time, but when it does, it never fails to arrive at the most inconvenient time - when I'm half asleep, driving, taking a shower, at work, etc.  Nine times out of ten I will not be able to jot down the idea that floods my brain in full.  If I'm lucky, I will remember it long enough to where I'm awake, parked, my hands are dry, all the kids are asleep, etc., and then I can make it permanent somewhere. The rather lucky and unlucky scenario that happened to me in that shower, was that I didn't forget the prompt.  But I'm certain that's because the initial prompt only prompted even more thoughts, which flashed my brain with traumatic images, which made the remainder of that shower feel simultaneously like two seconds and two days had passed. When thoughts like this intrude so suddenly, it can al...
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