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The Big Five: Mom's Fifth-Year Death Anniversary

June 25: After collecting the mail, I randomly thought about in memoriam blurbs in the newspaper.  There wasn't even a newspaper in the stack, but there was a collection of ads and coupons, which reminded me of the newspaper, which is how I got here - googling how to get an in memoriam blurb in the local newspaper. It was surprisingly more difficult to find than I had anticipated.  Bringing me to the newspaper website was absolutely unhelpful.  That ridiculous AI-generated google answer finally helped me in the end, which is how I found a link to apply to get one published.  The difficulty now lies in figuring out what the fuck I'm meant to say.  I haven't asked Heather or Jeremy for advice, since I'm honestly contemplating saving it as a surprise for them (though I'm not sure such a thing can be considered a positive surprise, you know?). I opened my notes app and jotted down some initial thoughts and feelings, but nothing I say ever fully encapsulates how I fe...
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Griefaries: Ten

I've been considering the concept of death anniversaries lately.  This time of year generally reminds me the most of Mom, just because the holidays were really nothing without her (something I've only come to learn since being forced to live without her). Technically, Mom hasn't been gone for five years yet. We're only (somehow actually *already*) at four and some change years missing her. But none of this is true, thanks to the fickleness of time or perhaps the way we've all been taught to count it. We are already living through our fifth year without her.  The fifth year started the day after her death anniversary - August 15, 2024- was the fifth August 15 that passed by without Mom. This Thanksgiving was already our fifth one without her. Christmas will be our fifth one without her. We will begrudgingly enter the technical fifth year without her.  The fifth New Year celebration where Mom has missed the ball drop.  Where we don't ring in the next chapter toget...
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Losing Mom: A Journey Through Grief (Part 16)

T oday marks 3 years since you died.     T his day comes faster and faster with every year that passes.   I   suppose part of me is grateful that I don’t sit glumly in the darkness that this day represents.    I  suppose it also means I’m just another moment closer to seeing you again. However, the other part of me hates that this day comes so quietly after all this time.   I  have been incredibly aware of this impending date since your birthday, then since the first of the month, and with writing dates that were necessary at work.   B ut feelings surrounding this day have been very quiet.   A nd the realization of that makes me quite sad.  I can’t help but feel some semblance of guilt about such a thing.   I t strikes me as non-caring, non-loving, as if I  have completely made it out of the vice grips of this grief.     I  absolutely haven’t, but the longer I have spent in here, the...
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Griefaries: Nine

This morning, as I rolled out of bed, I intentionally hit the right hand on my Build-A-Bear.  I genuinely wanted to hear my mom's voice, for reasons that I can't even explain, but sometimes explanations offer no real solace anyway. The entire message played straight through - a silly voicemail about tiny gnats surrounding my car.  Mom found this incredibly peculiar I guess, because she thought it warranted a phone call.  Lord only knows where I was or what I was doing that day that left me not answering, ultimately sending her to voicemail.  Sometimes it is difficult for me to accept that I have any voicemails from her at all, because that just implies that I was too busy to speak to her.  My own mother!  I could laugh at loud with how ridiculous a sentence that is.  Now truly, some people are genuinely busy and unable to answer phone calls, but still.  However, I'm also glad that I have something concrete to hang onto.  If I had picked up th...
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